Truth

Dad,

Read this letter carefully.

I am going to tell you something which I believe I should have said many years ago. And I think you already have inkling about it. It will also answer issue about why I am not enthusiastic and interested in talking to you. About why I have been rather estranged and does everything I can to avoid being with you. I believe now the time is ripe that you must know the truth about what and how I feel. The issue is I deeply hate you. 

Seeds of this feeling started not today but since when I was 12-13 old. This is the period when a child is very sensitive and for the first time in his life he judges and evaluates the action of people around him. I found myself in a household where criticism and cruel taunts were norms of the day. You passed rude comment on each of my action, my choices and controlled every aspect of my being. Your words hurt me very much, caused me immense pain and severely affected my self-esteem.  It got embedded in my young mind along with pain that someone who should love you and cherish you – a mother, a father – apparent does not think of you at all. Those cruel words kept on replaying themselves for decades to come. Tell me if you think so little of child, what he will learn about how to think of himself.

You disapproved of every action I took that you thought did not contribute to my academic performance. I have since living a life you wanted and I subconsciously internalized your thought process. It transformed me from a happy and outgoing 12 year child to a dull, shy and under-confident adolescent who could not speak a sentence without stuttering!!.  I did what you liked, never demanded anything, cut off meeting with people for fear of being punished by you. This fear left a deeply seated scar in my psyche.

You never genuinely inquired about my emotional and mental health. I never received a bit of appreciation and you always found fault with me despite having excellent academic accomplishments All I heard was taunts every now and then, and more so when I was sad and alone and needed shoulder to cry on. Tell me - “What kind of human being does that? Kick someone when they are down? If somebody I loved, fails at something, I offer them emotional support. Not tell them "I told you so". All you did was to compare me with others like, “Why is grade less than your batch mates? What is your pay package and what is it in comparison to others? And so on….” And mind you this grudge is shared by your female child also.

Now coming to why you did all that?

I know of course you will make an excuse that “We had my best interest in heart and that all we did was to ensure my good future. You would say why you doubt that we love you? We want you to have a better life than we had. Opportunities are rare and we don't want you to miss them. We paid for your education. How could you resent us?” But nothing can be farther from truth.

Actual reasons are behavioral and the stark reality needs to be addressed:

·         You are emotionally, expressively and socially zero.  You do not care for other feelings and when somebody needs your support you either run away or, make mockery of their emotions or out rightly dismiss their concern. You enter into any conversation to belittle other person, criticize everything they say, and never made an effort to connect to people on a human level. That is precisely the reason you do not have any genuine friend because you hurt each person around you. If you cannot empathize with those around you than you should lived alone in jungle as a hermit than having children.

·         If the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it is a test you failed. You are the most arrogant person who is incapable of admitting any point of view but your own. You punished failure and did not accept anything less than moon.. And please do not rationalize this abusive behavior by saying it was necessary because plenty of people achieve great things in life without the unnecessary weight of parental expectations. Just because you haven't met these people doesn't mean they don't exist.

·         You have been taking advantage of my emotional and financial dependence all these years. You kept on inflicting emotional abuse, manipulating my choices and I am certain many times you were not even aware of it as I had said you are emotionally inept.

I believe you would defend this by saying that you have been there for me all these years. But I am sorry to say that your support has been conditional. It is because even the most wicked person support people for tasks they want them to do. And it is not love but self-interest. If you really love a person, try once supporting their interests that are different from your own. I know you could never do that.

I have been giving you several clues about my discomfort by rebelling against you, doing everything that you would disapprove and making it a point to alienate and upset you in every possible way. But now this charade is now killing me every day.

By now you must be curious, that why I am saying all these things now and why have I kept quiet all these years. May be earlier I did not have courage to speak up, or I did not have awareness and articulation about my own feelings and simply wished your mistreatment towards me would stop. But the biggest reason is I deeply fear if continue this way I will become a human like you-  a person who does not appreciate small good things and criticizes everyone around him, one who avoids social connections for fear of hurting others and numbs his own emotions in process, one who pushes away people who genuinely care for me. I do not want to be that test case where victim becomes the perpetrator himself. I do not want to have dysfunctional relationship with my loved ones like you.

Only positive thing out of this is that I sincerely hope that when we will have kids, we won’t subject them to the distressing childhood I had. I will prove you wrong by being proud of our little ones no matter what. I will not be the one who kicks their little ones when they are down but one who offers a hand to lift them up whenever they fall.

This letter is titled ‘Truth’ and it took a lot of courage on my part to pen down my sentiments. Truth they say is liberating but I am not sure what purpose it would serve in my case. I know people are like dog’s tail, they do not change with time but become more of who they really are. Despite I have written deepest of my feeling in the most sincere way possible and I hope you empathize with that.

I suppose your reaction will vary from anger and frustration to guilt and self-hatred. What it will be, revert back to me about how you feel via mail at xxx.xx@gmail.com  By the way, I have changed my mobile no. so you won’t be able to talk to me.

In the end all I can say is I am what I am because of you, for better or for worse. Had you been a better father, I would have been a better son.

Yours,

MY

New Year

Well 2015 is over and so is my job J . Year fared better compared to previous one. Also the year before that. Basically it pained less. Thankfully time for penance is now over. Next stop is home. I would be returning their after almost 10 years to take up national hobby i.e. preparing for civils. I had hope to utilized time spent in Mumbai to prepare more intensively than I had actually done. And write blogs, exercise, travel, join NGO, run a marathon- sadly I did nothing of all this.

So what did I gain out of these 22 months in investment banking? 20 pounds of fat for starters, lots of grey hair, eye power rose by 8 times and bank balance is restored again to zero again thanks to MBA loan. Sneak peak into corporate life taught me some valuable lesson. Details of which will form content of some future posts

Things I want to do before I turn 30

Blog have been lying dormant.Thing is I have been very busy with new job, new City. Meanwhile one thing have always on my mind that is the stuff I want to do before I turn 30.

• Work out to achieve decent body
• Travel outside India particularly Europe
• Have a relationship
• Run a half-marathon
• Play a instrument: Guitar/Casio/Violin
• Participate in Debate/Stage performance
• Learn to dance simple steps
• Learn basic Urdu
• Learn cooking
• Own a nice Wardrobe
• Have a functional blog
• Own a DSLR and become good at photography
• Learn to Swim

 Let's hope when I revisit this entry sometime in future, I am not dissapointed

ESE-2013 Interview: Is Policy Paralysis going to haunt me?

Finally I had my IES-2013 interview on 13 Jan 2014. After spending a sleepless night in NDLS dormitory, I reached the famous UPSC building. I saw many anxious faces struggling with their suits and documents and their equally concerned parents. After nearly waiting for a 40 minutes or so we were allowed entry into UPSC building. After an hour long cumbersome verification process by middle aged aunties, the board for our group was announced. It was going to be Mr. Chatar Singh’s board. I knew something about all other members but I had no idea my board chairperson as he was a newly appointed member of UPSC. And I had no time to enquire as I was first to be interviewed.

I had hardly settled down in the chair outside the interview room that the bell rang. Peon opened the door and I was asked to come in. I greeted them ‘good morning’ and was asked to sit. Then the interview started:

Chairman: Are you working somewhere?

Chairman: Difference between a Manager and an Engineer?

Chairman: What is this community service (my hobby)?

Now over to M1: A south Indian Professor

M1: You talked a lot about process, explain me about MRP, MSP?

M1: Components of MRP

M1: Pert vs CPM

M1: How do you design a product, starting from scratch?

M1: What is Rapid Prototyping

M1: Give one example.

Now M2 started and it was disastrous

M2: Different types of lathe?

Me: Said something and it was wrong so I stopped.

M2: How do you manufacture a Sheft?

Me: I was like WTH is sheft ?.

After some time I realized he meant SHAFT. And I committed the strike one of the interview by saying “Oh! You mean the “Shaaaaft”.( Look at Emphasis on the a’s  I used.) Damn my impoliteness.

Well I could not answer his question about three triangle finish and two triangle finish.

M2: What are different types of hardness?

Me: I could answer only two. He asked one more supplement question which I couldn't answer.

Now it was M3's turn and he was general awareness and railway guy.

M3: Why coming to IES while you could earn a lot more?

M3: If this job requires you to be only an Engineer, how will your MBA help you?

M3: Why IRSS over IRSME? (My bad I brought it up). He argued that I would get better opportunities in IRSME, as I will get to do projects like Konkan railways, Metros, big bridges. So why Stores ?

Though I answered, he asked same question again emphasizing that he was not convinced.

Then came the strike two and I committed a grave mistake to criticize the Government in an UPSC interview which resulted in a harangue from the Chairperson. When asked by the Member 3 that why has India growth story slowed down, I somehow blurted out ‘Policy Paralysis’. Then Chairperson became active and he asked what do you mean by that? I said something about regressive taxation, to which chairperson retorted have you read the document about this policy. From here I was pushed on the back foot. He said accusing govt. of policy paralysis is a grave allegation, and it implies that Govt. is not doing anything. Now he questioned will you believe everything what the newspapers say? Then a small lecture on what is informed citizen. Then Mr. M3 continued.

M3: What can be done to revive India’s growth?

Me: Being an MBA, I could have given a much better answer, but again I blurted out something and my answer was unstructured and incomplete.

M3:  Which one is better Modern Technology or Gandhian idea of manual work?

And the interview ended.
.

Some cons of the interview:

1.       Chairman was visibly displeased  (strike two)
2.       Could not answer any of the M2 questions.
3.       Had I talked slowly, I would have given a much structured and balanced answers.

Learning’s from the interview:

1.       UPSC interview are easy. Technical parts could be prepared, non technical parts could be predicted, current affairs could be positively answered if one keeps cool mind and gives a balanced view.
2.       Take ample time to frame your views rather than giving a laymen,  unstructured and unsubstantiated answers.
3.       Try to engage Chairperson as far as possible in general awareness questions.
4.       Just say I do not know, rather than taking a blind shot.
 And never ever speak about govt. policies negatively so bluntly like I did. Remember you are not a journalist but a public (engineering) service aspirant.

Good/Bad & Right/Wrong

Discussions and debates on principle and acts of morality and ethics is not new.We were posed with the same question while discussing Fraiser case. It started with the cliched question on how are ethics and morality different. After a lot of layman definitions, arguments professor finally said that ethics deals with Right or Wrong while morality is about Good or Bad. Ethical judgments take their cues from context i.e. it depends on the matter at hand. For example, Law of the country are based on ethics and it this law which justifies killing of person in some "context" (Self-defense). While morality is independent of context and their 'unsaid' rules are prescribed by the society we live in. Morality deals with Good or Bad and it varies across societies, cultures and nationalities.

However a fundamental question arises, How do you know if something is good or bad?. What is the objective way of defining it ? German Philosopher Emanuel Kant gave the theory of "categorical imperative" in which he described "Universal good" and "Universal Bad". He explains that 'universal good'  is an act which will make the universe a better place to live if everyone else will start doing it and vice versa. But then how you know what is better universe. To explain this we use the Darwinian concept of 'natural selection' which says if the human act increases collective chances of survival then it is good otherwise bad. For instance 'killing' is a universal bad as it reduces the possibility of survival of entire human race.

Where will you put the acts of "Homosexuality", "Abortion", "Bachelorhood" in good/bad dichotomy of morality?  Easy one eh, clearly such acts are universal bad as they would lower the chances of survival of entire mankind. But are these acts right or wrong when seen through the prism of 'ethics' is an entirely different question. I will try to answer this philosophically complex and ethically intriguing question through an anecdote of Ramayana in the subsequent post.

Lazy Beginnings

It has been nearly a month since I started studying for CSE-2014. I have started with the NCERT's, Laxmikanth and Bipin Chandra. I find them really helpful as I could solve past years prelims problems by reading their few chapters.And one good thing that I decided to take "Mechanical Engineering" as my optional. This will save my precious time and recent results of aspirants getting high marks in "Engineering Subjects" have given me much needed confidence to take this chance. 

Meanwhile I have been reading Gita and  its "Nish-kaam" philosophy has greatly influenced me. It talks about doing your work without worrying about the results and that becomes your "Dharma". It suggest that desires are superior to dead things, your mind is superior to desires, your intelligence is superior to mind and your soul is superior to intelligence. You need to control your "desires" while pursuing your goals through "karm-maarg". Thus your will power takes a central role in any of your pursuits.

On lighter note, I have been watching episodes of "Aapas ki Baat" with Nazam Sethi. He gives frank and unbiased opinion of India-Pakistan history. The episodes on "Murder of History in Pakistan" ,"Ten Blunders of Pakistan" and "Kargil War" are educating and eye-opening. If we could have few more intellectuals and independent thinkers like him on the other side of border, Pakistan's fundamentalism could be contained and several young generations will be prevented from brainwashing. Big take way from these episodes are  importance of  principles of "secularism", "judicial independence", "civilian rule over army" and "Free Press" for sustaining a strong and democratic government. 

I will end with a beautiful poem by an acquaintance:

हे मन !

घन वट-वृक्षों पर नीड़ बहुत, 

निष्कंटक-पथ पर भीड़ बहुत,

दुस्साहस ही अब साहस बस,

है दुर्लभ जीवन क्षीण बहुत । 

तू यशोगगन का वासी बन, 

कण्टक-पथ का अभिलाषी बन, 

भय-मोह तुझे छू भी न सके, 

तेजस्वी मन ! संन्यासी तन !

Cheers.

IES Experience-2012

On 30th June, the IES exam finally got over. I had expected it to go better as I was confident (rather overconfident) after going through previous year papers. But what could I expect from 60 days part time preparations while competing with thousands of regular students of Made-Easy and similar coaching institutes. After going through keys given by Made Easy, I could only score something like 270/600 in objective, which is far below my competence. Nonetheless, I do expect call for interview if could manage 130-140 odd marks in subjective papers. But no one knows about vagaries of UPSC, so time will tell.....

My next target is CSE 2014. For the past two days, I have been searching the internet, trying to gather the materials and relevant books for UPSC. I have already ordered two books, India struggle for Independence by Bipin Chandra and Indian Polity by Laxmikanth. There are many sites in the web advising civil service aspirants, but none comes closest to http://mrunal.org/ in its comprehensiveness, relevence and selfless service to help aspirants. It provides a detailed analysis on the new pattern of UPSC and gives various "weapons" to tackle civil services examination. Being a beginner, I will start with NCERT's, standard books, newspaper(The Hindu) and will then move on to prepare from reference books for mains.

I have still not figured out my optional subject for the mains examination. Till the IES exam, I was of opinion to go with Mechanical Engineering as option for CSE-2013. But seeing the uncertainty and the depth of questions in the Conventional IES papers, made me think again.

Till Then I have to live with the quote,"Aut inveniam viam aut faciam"

Cheers