Dad,
Read this letter carefully.
I am going to tell you something
which I believe I should have said many years ago. And I think you already have
inkling about it. It will also answer issue about
why I am not enthusiastic and interested in talking to you. About
why I have been rather estranged and does everything I can to avoid being with
you. I believe now the time is ripe
that you must know the truth about what and how I feel. The
issue is I deeply hate you.
Seeds of this feeling started not
today but since when I was 12-13 old. This is the period when a child is very
sensitive and for the first time in his life he judges and evaluates the action
of people around him. I found myself
in a household where criticism and
cruel taunts were norms of the day. You passed
rude comment on each of my action, my choices
and controlled every aspect of my being.
Your words hurt me very much, caused me immense pain and severely
affected my self-esteem. It got embedded
in my young mind along with pain that someone who should love you and cherish
you – a mother, a father – apparent does not think of you at all. Those cruel
words kept on replaying themselves for decades to come. Tell me if you think so
little of child, what he will learn about how to think of himself.
You disapproved of every action I
took that you thought did not contribute to my academic performance. I have
since living a life you wanted and I subconsciously internalized your thought
process. It transformed me from a happy and outgoing 12 year child to a dull,
shy and under-confident adolescent who could not speak a sentence without stuttering!!.
I did what you liked, never demanded
anything, cut off meeting with people for fear of being punished by you. This
fear left a deeply seated scar in my psyche.
You never genuinely inquired about
my emotional and mental health. I never received a bit of appreciation and you
always found fault with me despite having excellent academic accomplishments All
I heard was taunts every now and then, and more so when I was sad and alone and
needed shoulder to cry on. Tell me - “What kind of human being does that? Kick
someone when they are down? If somebody I loved, fails at something, I offer
them emotional support. Not tell them "I told you so". All you did
was to compare me with others like, “Why is grade less than your batch mates?
What is your pay package and what is it in comparison to others? And so on….”
And mind you this grudge is shared by your female child also.
Now coming to why you did all that?
I know of course you will make an
excuse that “We had my best interest in heart and that all we did was to ensure
my good future. You would say why you doubt that we love you? We want you to
have a better life than we had. Opportunities are rare and we don't want you to
miss them. We paid for your education. How could you resent us?” But nothing
can be farther from truth.
Actual reasons are behavioral and
the stark reality needs to be addressed:
·
You are
emotionally, expressively and socially zero.
You do not care for other feelings and when somebody needs your support
you either run away or, make mockery of their emotions or out rightly dismiss
their concern. You enter into any conversation to belittle other person, criticize
everything they say, and never made an effort to connect to people on a human
level. That is precisely the reason you do not have any genuine friend because
you hurt each person around you. If you cannot empathize with those around you
than you should lived alone in jungle as a hermit than having children.
·
If the test of
a man is how he treats those he has power over... it is a test you failed. You
are the most arrogant person who is incapable of admitting any point of view
but your own. You punished failure and did not accept anything less than moon..
And please do not rationalize this abusive behavior by saying it was necessary
because plenty of people achieve great things in life without the unnecessary
weight of parental expectations. Just because you haven't met these people
doesn't mean they don't exist.
·
You have been
taking advantage of my emotional and financial dependence all these years. You
kept on inflicting emotional abuse, manipulating my choices and I am certain
many times you were not even aware of it as I had said you are emotionally
inept.
I believe you would defend this by
saying that you have been there for me all these years. But I am sorry to say
that your support has been conditional. It is because even the most wicked
person support people for tasks they want them to do. And it is not love but
self-interest. If you really love a person, try once supporting their interests
that are different from your own. I know you could never do that.
I have been giving you several
clues about my discomfort by rebelling against you, doing everything that you
would disapprove and making it a point to alienate and upset you in every
possible way. But now this charade is now killing me every day.
By now you must be curious, that
why I am saying all these things now and why have I kept quiet all these years.
May be earlier I did not have courage to speak up, or I did not have awareness
and articulation about my own feelings and simply wished your mistreatment
towards me would stop. But the biggest reason is I deeply fear if continue this
way I will become a human like you- a person
who does not appreciate small good things and criticizes everyone around him,
one who avoids social connections for fear of hurting others and numbs his own emotions
in process, one who pushes away people who genuinely care for me. I do not want
to be that test case where victim becomes the perpetrator himself. I do not
want to have dysfunctional relationship with my loved ones like you.
Only positive thing out of this is
that I sincerely hope that when we will have kids, we won’t subject them to the
distressing childhood I had. I will prove you wrong by being proud of our
little ones no matter what. I will not be the one who kicks their little ones
when they are down but one who offers a hand to lift them up whenever they fall.
This letter is titled ‘Truth’ and it
took a lot of courage on my part to pen down my sentiments. Truth they say is
liberating but I am not sure what purpose it would serve in my case. I know people
are like dog’s tail, they do not change with time but become more of who they really
are. Despite I have written deepest of my feeling in the most sincere way
possible and I hope you empathize with that.
I suppose your reaction will vary
from anger and frustration to guilt and self-hatred. What it will be, revert
back to me about how you feel via mail at xxx.xx@gmail.com By the way, I have
changed my mobile no. so you won’t be able to talk to me.
In the end all I can say is I am
what I am because of you, for better or for worse. Had you been a better father,
I would have been a better son.
Yours,
MY
